Herra Héri

Reboot Part 1 – Klaffenkater! Sep 28, 2010

Yes folks,

you might be sitting in front of your good friend computer now and ask yourself: “Why is this happening?! The only constant in my life in the last couple of months has just burnt in flames. He did it again: He posted something. ”

Yes. That’s very true. I myself am still a little bit confused about what is happening right now. 10 months ago I was in Reykjavík, enjoying car accidents, hot girls (yeah) and rivers. Today I am in Swabia, enjoying bike accidents, hot food (oh yeah) and music. Life is a lively flow. And right now I want to talk about where this flow can carry you towards: Neverending wells of bavarian beer and dirndls. Swimming pool festivals in Hungary. Witch forests right next to your back door. Hooligan fathers&sons in Austria. Swan-hunting in Luzern. Foot-ticks in the black forest. The epicenter of jazz in Stuttgart. Strontium-tininess in scientific bowls. Posters everywhere. Weddings. The artistry of gluttony. Unfullfilled plans. Fulfilled plans. Like hiking in Austria with Reinhard. Yes, dear reader, I want to talk about five episodes of my life which occured during the last weekend. It centers around the relationship human – animal; sometimes it’s cruel, sometimes it’s heartwarming, sometimes it’s just damn sick. To make this fragments a complete story of the weekend I will add some spicy pictures! Enjoy!

1. Wednesday, 22.9.2010.

20.30: Theresienwiese, Munich. Just arrived, and before we talk too much we enter the Augustiner-tent and make our way towards the first Maß of the evening. Everything is cruel. So many people. So many old people (am I old?). So many dirndl people.  So much music I never wanted to listen to. So much I have to witness, unwillingly. There is the Maß.

21.20: The last drop goes down my throat. I am standing on the bench and singing “Anita”, cheering and dancing with a 60-year old girl with a beer-reddened face. Another Maß seems to be appropriate.

21:50: Ein Prosit, ein Prosit, der Gemütlichkeit! Two maß went well inside and I like how people talk with each other without knowing who they are talking with, it doesn’t matter, because everybody is drunk, this is why everybody came here, to drink, to stand on the bench, to talk to foreign people, to hug foreign people, to tune foreign people, to sing, to be happy. Life is good. A third Maß.

22:30: Hütten-Schorsch is entering the band conductor’s podium, he paid 50 bucks and thus bought the right to conduct the band for one song of his own will. Life sucks. Three was one too much. Maybe a Jägermeister can help.

22:45: Drove Autoscooter. Successfully rammed several people. Conclusion: As long as you have a lot of money in your wallet and a strong will to drink, Oktoberfest can be great fun! But MAYBE it’s not the best idea to go there if you plan to go up 1600 heigt meters the next day.

You may ask – where are the animals? Yes, there are no real animals like hamsters or goats or dogs. Just interaction human – human.

2. Thursday, 23.9.2010.

The food in the Golling-hut tastes quite ok, even though the Leberkäs doesn’t seem to be quite the right thing for my beer-accustomed stomach. Maybe a Zirbenschnaps will help. I tell the young, yet-to-be-castrated cat relaxing on our bench the story of my day; he tries to scrape me. That’s minigolf, man, play with cats, get hurt by cats. But somehow I gain his trust: Later that night I was dreaming about being a hiking-king in Austria, hiking up the Seven Summits in single day trips – with a truck tire bound around my hips. But suddenly  I wake up because my right foot slept in. I look around – where is the summit? Where are my ice axes? Where did my foot get stuck in? And then I see: it got stuck between the hut bed and the sleeping yet-to-be-castrated cat. Damnit, I share my bed with this little cat bastard. How many hikers have you been sleeping with like that!? Anyway. I like it.

3. Friday, 24.9.2010.

“Hey, did you see this? There was a sheep looking round the corner!”. We are relaxing in the last sunrays of the day at a steep slope near our hut, talking about football. Sami Khedira made me fall into deep, meaningful thoughts about football, so I miss the sheep. But it comes back. And it’s not alone. It brought its friends. And they are obviously ANGRY. They come closer step by step, staring at us with their devilish eyes, some of them chewing grass – they do it as cruelly and fiercely as if they would be chewing our brains. Crap, they want us. I back up, away from the path where the beasts are preparing to eat our souls. They follow my movement, slowly, ready to attack, cold sweat runs down my back, and then..!

4. Saturday, 25.9.2010.

What a watery day. No wonder the frogs are in a party mood. But where is the best party? Craig, he is one of the leader frogs in “Tha Gang”, heard from a friend that on the other side of the street there would be a pond where the hoes get craaaazy! Craig instructs his homies: “Ok guys, we all know this pond here is crap. The water’s old and muddy and the band is playing shit. This party is lame. We go check out the pond on the other side…Where my frogs at?!” “Quak, quak, quak!”, the boys of Tha Gang answer furiously and start to move. Poor fools! They never learned to enjoy what they’ve got; the party on the other side sure is no better than the one they have attended so far. No hoes going crazy. The same band playing. The same oily water. But now it’s too late: Craig jumps ahead towards the street, followed by Sean, Dean, Fran, Brett, Joey, Stan, Claus, Peter, Cleve, Paul, Rannigan and Flint. Craig is almost on the other side of the street, he jumps, then there is a light…he can still scream “Hell yeah!” before he hits the car and explodes into thousand frog pieces. And there is the frog stampede! Paul pukes. Fran takes Peter by the leg and starts to jump around. Dean, Rannigan and Joey join them. There comes the next car, this time on their side. It takes puking Paul silently, Peter and Joey with a blast and rips off Bretts legs. Stan, Rannigan, Flint and Sean decide to try it once more (“Party, dudes!!”) and can hardly start jumping before a truck overrides them all. Fran has long disappeared in the dark, so Claus, Dean and Cleve decide to go back to the other party. “Hey guys!” What’s up with me?! Help me! My legs slept in!!” That’s Brett. While Dean and Cleve don’t give a fuck and jump away, Claus goes back and tries to pull Brett away from the street. He is quite heavy. And there is the next blinding light, here comes the sun…

5. Sunday, 26.9.2010.

To round up this whole thing, another human-human story here just a single picture from the game Sturm Graz – Austria Wien. The guy with the umbrella is there to save the player and referee assistant from the loads of  cans, lighters and sticks  which rain onto the green 90 minutes without pause. Quite pragmatic, and apparently quite normal in Austria. Also the children enjoy throwing their stuff onto the field, encouraged by their fathers. Oh yeah!