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It’s a hard knock life maí 29, 2006

Posted by herraheri in Herra the Heri.
2 comments

Good evening!

Have you ever thought about what it would be like if the whole world’s fast food restaurants would be centered in one land: let’s call it the Fast Food Nation? No? Well, maybe you should! But I was so kind to do this whole thinking process for you, and I can tell you what it would be like: ridiculous. The surface of this country would be as large as the one of….Switzerland – minimum! Imagine a country as big as Switzerland, accomodating nothing but millions of Burger King and McDonald – Restaurants.

There would be two major towns – King City and McMetropolis – which would be struggling for the right to be capital of the Fast Food Nation. In King City, the Burger Kings from all over the world have settled down, in McMetropolis all the McDonald’s. Now you might criticise that the inhabitants of both cities don’t have a great variety of food, as there are only BK’s respectively MC’s. But that’s absolutely not the case: Right in the heart of King City’s old town, a McDonald’s restaurant is situated, and a Burger King flourishes in the centre ville of McMetropolis. Both restaurants are well-known and popular places for citizens, as the meals offer a welcome change in daily food. But from time to time, fat-bomb-assaults and other violent food stuff happen, which kind of scares, but also thrills the clients.

But there’s not only holding hands and singing friendly tunes in Fast Food Nation! In the children’s corners of these restaurants, dark rebellious conspirations have formed to destroy the particular antagonistic citiy and the power of their enemies in the country. These so-called guerillas (as there are the Burger King Army (BKA – not very inventive, eh?) and the McDonald’s Anarcho-Communist Movement for Freedom in Fast Food Nation (MCACMFFFN – stupid shit! McMuffin would have sounded better)) are both practising a double-tracked strategy: At first, they do this whole bomb assault/assassination/threat stuff; second: they also smuggle agents in the parties of the foes to undermine their politics and actions.

That’s quite evil. One agent of the BKA even made it to Ronald McDonald (the leader of Republican McParty) and, in this office, threw back the plans of the Republican McParty for decades. As a consequence, the Democratic Kings have kind of taken the control about the Nation somehow, but as they seem to be too stuffed by their own food, they haven’t taken real advantages out of the weakness of the Republican McParty. But who knows, maybe the MCACMFFFN aren’t as stupid as their name and have infiltrated the Democratic Kings to such a high level with their agents that they are sort of paralyzed and unable to act dynamically. In the constant situation, there is only one thing clear: The bloody civil war in the beautiful Alp-country called Fast Food Nation will last for some more horrible years of food combats, Happy Meals and Hot Brownies.

Be shocked! Think about it! Donate money to the thousands of innocent victims, so that they finally have the possibility to draw their fat off. Thank you!

Auglýsingar

Things you always wanted to know about Iceland (1) maí 25, 2006

Posted by herraheri in Herra the Heri, Icelandic Culture.
4 comments

Ahoy there!

After spending the final week at my workstation (a lonely cave with a veeery comfortable bed), I now am back doing nothing at all. Plenty of time. But I don’t want to beat around the bush any longer: My ingenious plan to inform you a little bit about Icelandic culture comes true with this very post. Every now and then I will bring home to you Icelandic music, books, movies and other weird stuff. I’m going to start with something really weird today, that’s to say traditional Icelandic food. Keep your barf bags ready!

Icelandic food – Þorramatur

As the variety of eatable things wasn’t really of a great range in former times, early Icelanders ate pretty much everything they could find. And well, they found some pretty disgusting things on and around their island. Today, these things are particularly eaten at the so-called Þorrablót at the end of winter. Here is a choice of really fine dishes that make the Icelandic Cuisine so extra-ordinarily delicious: To begin with some eatable things: Hangikjöt is smoked lamb, which is often snacked with Flatbrauð, a minimalist bread. Sounds normal? Well, be patient, lurent reader! Harðfiskur is stockfish, which is hard as stones, but, with butter, tastes kind of good, in fact. Lundi is the meat of the Atlantic Puffin, which is only found in Iceland. Poor bird! Being one of the most popular Icelandic emblems doesn’t save him from being eaten up.

Atlantic Puffin.jpg

To get a little more hefty, let me mention Hákarl, which is fermented shark-meat. The secret of this mouth-watering delicacy is the process of maturation and decontamination (don’t ask…it’s about urine and stuff), which lasts for months and takes place a few feet under the earth’s surface. Hákarl is served in small cubes. Lekker! In the same category, there is kæst skata, fermented ray.

Hm...Hákarl!

Now, it’s time to tackle real challenges: Svið is a singed head of a sheep with all its tasty content. The eyes are considered to be the best part of it (I will spare you the picture, click here to enjoy the look on this great meal). And behind súrsaður Hrútspungar hide the good old ram’s testicles which are served in sour milk. Bon appétit!

But we would do the Icelanders wrong if we kept the good things secret: Skyr is some kind of curd or thickened yogurt and tastes really good with various fruit (especially blueberry). Appelsin is a really tasty sort of orange lemonade. Mixed with malt beer it’s really one of the best things you can drink on Iceland. Brennivin („The Black Death“) is Icelandic Schnapps, which is really hard to drink....too strong for tarantino
But I can imagine they needed a drink like this to forget the flavour of their meals. (Kleinu)Hringur are donuts. Well, at least they look so, but they taste a little bit different.

Not so traditional, but Iceland’s No.1 meal is pylsa. I am perhaps goint to destroy your wildest phantasies about more disgusting shit telling you that this is simply a hot dog. It’s really popular there. In Reykjavík, you stumble over a hot dog stands every five steps. So you see: Icelanders are willing to learn.

hotdog.jpg

My monkeys/authors/slaves are working on the next edition of Things you always wanted to know about Iceland. So be aware!

Herra Héri

Knock on wood maí 18, 2006

Posted by herraheri in Herra the Heri.
4 comments

Hey there.

Today the time has come to do some serious coverage of the construction of a new consumption temple, which takes place in these very weeks in 07471-town: in the course of July, there will be the grand opening of the best store (although it's quite a sin to call it a simple store) that was ever domiciled in Hechingen since Ass Kebap: a Burger King restaurant!

DSC00100.JPG
Finally all my dreams come true! (You can take that literally: The day when a BK-store opened at the Central Station in Stuttgart was a personal holiday for me – I fondly call it the Burger King Love Day -, and I was the first person to buy my 13,70€ ticket to Stuttgart and make it there.) My prayers where answered at last! The American half-gods discovered the location Hechingen as the veritable place to place one of there holy restaurants. It was just a matter of time, as the site-related factors are so overwhelming here:

  • Thousands of hungry school children who are sick of their daily Döner
  • drunken adolescents who feel the irrepressible need to loop down a 99er or so at half past two on Saturday night (maybe spiced up by a little fight from time to time)
  • All the Fitness-Junkies who soon can walk out of the hip local fitness studio straight into the warm, welcoming arms of mama Burger Queen, to finish their weight-wacher day with a healthy-conscious little Big King XXL-Menu (with salad isntead of the fries, of course!)
  • Addicted people from foreign countries who come by the B27 are badly in need for a new refugium, as well as
  • many children whose parents don't want them any more (do you know the story about Hänsel and Gretel? Their parents never picked them up at the children's paradise!),
  • long-time license-aspirants who probably can sleep on the parking lot until they have their next driving lesson or test and
  • many 16-year old who are sick of the Kaufland car park to hang aroud. And, last but not least:
  • me.

As you see, it was high time that Sr.Long Chili, Prof.Dr.med dent Whopper Cheese, Mr. and Mrs.Chili Cheese Nuggets, Mr.Onion Ring, B.A. and his gang, the Country Potatoes, come to Hechingen to re-establish law and order in this anarchistic hometown of desperados, whores and other mob.

The local reporter of herra héri news went to the sacred place to do a photo shooting and to try and interview the executive planner, engineer, bricklayer, crane operator, setter, decorator, cook, seller and owner of the establishment, Captain John Smith. But he was in a bad mood, he tried to hit me and asked me to go to hell. I ordered one cheeseburger to calm him down a bit. But he didn't comply with my request, in contrary, he spitted on me und threatened me with his dung fork. So I did him the favour and made my exit, not forgetting to take some pictures. Nice guy, all in all.

The holy crane
Recapitulating I can say that I have become so self-confident, knowing that Uncle Sam will settle down in Hechingen. My friends see me with other eyes. I finally have the heart to go out on the street and just walk around and breath in and out. Heww…Life is fine.

Ewige Blumenkraft! (this sentence has been kindly sponsered by the Bavarian Illuminati)

annotations:

  1. I do not intend to express social criticism in this article, even it may seem so. I like Hechingen and I like Burger King. I really support this fertile symbiosis.
  2. Nevertheless, I am happy not to be living here for long, because in this case, I would end up dying as an overweight prostitute living on a bench in Stockoch within weeks.
  3. I should think about a new category called "boring shit" to warn you, dear reader, in advance the next time something like this happens.

Who killed the red devils? maí 16, 2006

Posted by herraheri in Herra the Heri.
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¡Hola! Good day to work a little bit on the homepage, isn’t it?

As you might have observed, I added some stuff to the hompage, as there are:

  • a counter
  • a lush guestbook (pack a punch!)
  • some pictures from Abi cottage 2006 (better late then never: herra’s pics)
  • the herra héri logo in the sidebar
  • I also tidied up a little bit *shouldertap*
  • well, all in all, even more coolness and stuff.

I’m working on some more things, so come on over and look out for new great features!

Righty-right, I don’t want to keep you from reading The Guinness’ articles, commenting and signing the guestbook!

keep it real!

Your favourite general dealer

The Marvellous World of The Guinness – Part 2 maí 13, 2006

Posted by herraheri in The Guinness.
4 comments

Poit! and hello, dear visitor! Today we serve the second part of The Marvellous World of The Guinness. As a starter we offer you the sequel of the thrilling story about The Giant's Causeway, followed by some dazzling whiskey samples. For the pensive wastage we chose a little selection of information about "The Troubles" in Northern Ireland. Bon appétit!

What happened previously…After some sabre-rattling, Finn MacCool a.k.a Batman and The Joker (a Scottish giant) take off the gloves and get ready to rumble: Batman has just built a bridge for The Joker, so that he has a comfortable path coming over to Ireland to visit Batman and beat him up….

Batman was tired, he had not slept for the week cause he had worked on the causeway; he did not feel ready for fighting. He thought about how he could buy some time and recuperate to face The Joker. Finally he came up with an ingenious plan. Quickly he made a large cottage, disguised himself as a baby and climbed inside. Then he waited a loooong time. He meditated and reflected a bit. Finally The Joker arrived at Batman's house shouting, "Where is that coward Batman?". He noticed the crib and the “baby” inside it and his eyes widened in fear. He thought to himself: "My Giunness, if this is the size of the baby, what size is the freakin’ father? Damnit!". Batman climbed out of the cottage and towered above The Joker. This terrified him even more and in fear of meeting the father of this child he turned on his heels and ran like he had never ran before. What a wimp!

The conquered Joker made it back across the causeway to Scotland, not forgetting to destroy it as he went so. Well, that is one version of the story – there are many more to choose from, including one of love and romance. However, historians argue until today if the lover should be Robin or Catwoman.

Giant's Causeway
The last Stop was the Bushmillers Destillery. We learned how they make the
Whiskey and of course we got a free drink. Our guide picked two women and
two men out of our group. They had to taste three different Whiskeys, a
Scotch and a Brandy. Luckily I was one of them :O). At the end we got a
certificate as a Bushmillers Whiskey taster. That's great, isn't it?

On our last day we did a Black Taxi Tour. The guide showed us where the
troubles happened and still happen. I was really impressed about this
problem which is still up today. There is a peace wall which separates the Catholics from the Protestants; it closes at 11pm. There are also two different bus stops, one for Catholics and one for Protestants. However, the conflict isn’t heated up by religious reasons, it's rather the nationality. Don't worry about me, because I haven't been attacked or killed. I am still alive.

The Troubles

If you are interested in Belfast’s recent history, means the conflict between Protestants and Catholics, including the British Army, street riots, assaults, IRA, machine guns, assassinations and more visit this site and scroll down a little bit to The Troubles. As not only Belfast but the whole state of Northern Ireland is affected, a closer look at this site might be interesting, too. It takes a more detailed view at this issue.

My success during this weekend:
I carried the Herra Héri-ideology to Belfast.

See you next time on this spot!

The Guinness

The Marvellous World of The Guinness – Part 1 maí 11, 2006

Posted by herraheri in The Guinness.
8 comments

Yo folks, like promised: the adventures of our brave Ireland-correspondent The Guinness. Unfortunately, I couldn`t keep me from doing some comments here and there…Shame on me. Anyway, Enjoy!

Hey people, my name is The Guinness. I am in Ireland to conquer this little Island and hand it over to Herra Héri in order to establish his worldwide kingdom. But now enough of that chitchat.

All in all, my time in Ireland is great, but today it is fucking freezing and
raining. The Irish weather, I know. But well, with my cup of tea I enjoyed the day inside playing chess. I am a really bad player.

Here are some facts about my stay and my successful conquest:

I settled down in Kilpedder, a big metropolitan city, thirty kilometers south
of Dublin. You can compare it with big cities like Ringingen or
Salmendingen (Well, The Guinness, you know what you are talking about, aren’t you? I’m sorry, go on. – herra héri)

Recently, I was on my first campaign in Northern Ireland with some of my colleagues.
The journey from Kilpedder to Belfast takes about three hours by bus (could be compared with Ringingen – Hechingen, don’t you think so?). In order to find the way to our hostel we asked the first person we met on the street. But the woman wasn't really a help. Instead describing us the way, she told us that we were in Belfast now. Okay, phat information…so we did it on our own and, with herra’s help, we did it well. The rest of the day, we were just walking around, shopping, talking and organizing the next days. But of course we finished our day in a pub, realizing that we have to pay with Pounds and that the beer was much cheaper than in Ireland.

The following day was our Northern Ireland Coast Tour Day (sponsored by Herra Héri):

First Stop: a beautiful coast, with a rope bridge named Carrick-a-Rede. At this place, you have also a great view on a small isle called The Sheep Island, because people bring sheep over there for feeding. There is only enough food for twelve sheep: think big!

The next stop was the Giant’s Causeway. That is a part of the coast which looks
like big stone stairs. In the 17th century, the Causeway became widely known as the 'Eighth Wonder of the World', when large numbers of visitors came to view this amazing array of basalt columns. It is estimated that there are around 40,000 in total. There is a nice legend about this place and about the Giant Finn. Wanna hear it? No? Whatever, here it comes:

Finn's Story – There are many heroic legends surrounding Finn MacCool (a.k.a. Batman). Batman was reputed as being the leader of the Fianna, the guardians of the King of Ireland, but that’s rather white-bread looking at the tale that`s about the building of the Giant’s Causeway.

Finn
The story goes thus – Batman was going about his daily “duties” on the north coast when one of his enemies, a Scottish giant (The Joker), started shouting and ridiculing his fighting prowess. This angered Batman who lifted a lump of earth and threw it to
Scotland as a challenge to this nasty giant (how adult!). The Joker, this old fox, retaliated with a rock back to Batman, shouting that if he could get his hand on him, he would make sure that Finn would never fight again.

The  Scottish Joker
But, well, c’est la vie, unfortunately The unbelievable Joker couldn’t swim. Ridiculous. So Batman would be spared that fate. But Batman wouldn’t be Batman if he took this affection laying down: he tore large pieces from the cliffs –ZONK!-, pushed them into the ocean bed –SPLASH!- and made a sturdy causeway to Scotland. When he had finished he shouted "Now you'll have no excuse, you chicken!". Fearing to lose his own reputation as an evil giant The Joker had no alternative but come over the causeway…

CLASH! – Will The Joker be able to maintain his dignity and beat the seven shades of shit out of Batman? Or is Batman strinking off for the big blow against this airless thumbsucker? Good vs. Evil, Misery vs. Calamity, Ireland vs. Scotland! Wanna hear how this breath-taking adventure goes forth? Then stay tuned for the second part of "The Marvellous World of the Guinness"! Coming (really) soon! Narf!

There’s a whale, there’s a whale, there’s a whalefish maí 8, 2006

Posted by herraheri in Herra the Heri, Iceland, The Guinness.
5 comments

Howdy,

Did you enjoy your sunny weekend? Well, I certainly did, thank you. I even got a sunburn because the screen of my pc did shine so glisteningly bright. Well, all these contaminated mushrooms HAD to be recycled somehow on the occasion of 20 years Tschernobyl – it's good to know that it happened in such an ecological, reasonable and safe way: displays. Brave new world!

Just a short sea level announcement (as nothing interesting has happened): approximately (I am stupid) 82 days till "Trapped in clanking chilliness – II" (a.k.a departure to Iceland)! Arrrrr!

Before I continue eating chocolate until the break of dawn, let me announce that a person who wants to stay incognito (B.N.) is just about to start her slave-engagement for Herra Héri as a correspondent in good auld rainy Dublin. Let her name be The Guinness; feel free to see this as a description of her main activity. The Guinness is going to write some wicked stuff from that red-hair-planet in the Atlantic Ocean called Ireland from time to time, and as soon as the Ryanair-special-flight (at first, we thought that birds carrying the script would be a great solution, but we changed our minds after three pidgeons drowned in the English Channel) has dropped the words into my E-mail account, it will appear on this very site, www.herraheri.de (yeah, linkin myself!), for your delight. Watch out!

So, good night, young warriors!

Acidly,

Captain Timothy Leary

The Crucible maí 4, 2006

Posted by herraheri in Zorc Wotan.
1 comment so far

Oh, hello!

Welcome in 1952, ladies and gentleman!

Today, I am absolutely in the mood to write perfect rubbish.

On the other hand…nah, when I think about, I'm not. I'm just perfectly tired. Just like an old, well-draught Guinness. Or like….you know this feeling: you just had a quite good thought, but when you have the innocent idea of trying to express it, a loathsome, violent, flashy green mass with a cloudy, greasy and ugly consistence appears out of nowhere, creeps slowly over your membrane and covers your whole brain, then eats it up, launchs out a nasty laugh and throws a smoke-bomb into your completely plain head – that is about the time when smoke starts to come out of your ears, a quite ridiculous sight, but very painful, indeed – just to return to his hidden cave which is located in your neck and wait for the next excursion: maybe your abdomen's next? Who knows! Damn, I shouldn't have bought this "soul" at the bakery yesterday morning.

ah!

Whatever. On with the show! ahm….AH, again! Puta madre, go away!

If you are battling with similar problems concerning paranoid shizophrenia, maybe marshmallow manstay puft! or, even better, this great item may help! It sounds quite promising, eh?

If this wonderstuff works too good in your case (or if this…thing…in your neck has been brainwashing you) and you consider changing your mind about some things ("Well, in fact, these right-wing people aren't so bad, are they?"), read this article or simply go directly to the heimseite of this club.

ah!

Some nonpoint voice tells me to stop writing now and instead walk towards east to the edge of the world – with a nice little package of dynamite in my trousers…

Ouh, just in case you are interested: I've received several tickets for the World Cup 2006. If you want one, just send an email to trojan@herraheri.de with your adress-stuff in it. I will "notify" you soon! But I have to warn you: the tickets are a little oversized because I have so huge, fat hands.

Who the hell wants to watch ITALY vs. USA ??! booooring!
Give me some money! Or at least your hands! I need to get rid of these embarassing paws! Come on! Pleeease!!

Yours sincerly,

Goleo VI

ah!